Official Endorsement for President
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: April 25, 2023
ALPENA, MICHIGAN – These years of upheaval are trying times for our nation, and painfully uncertain for American families. In this moment what America most needs is steady, unwavering leadership. Which is why I am pleased to transmit the official announcement of and offer my personal endorsement to the candidacy of Concrete Block for President in 2024.
Concrete Block, known simply as Block to many many friends and colleagues, promises solidity and stability in radically unstable times. Block is down-to-earth and in touch with reality.
Block will remain completely independent, unswayable by lobbyists, the Deep State, or foreign interests. Concrete Block is incorruptible. Block does not have any degenerate family members who can be bribed or cause any scandals. Nor does Block have anything to hide. Block does not creepily sniff children’s hair or do anything with interns or models.
Concrete Block will absolutely not be a transformational president. In fact, Block promises to change nothing whatsoever. Concrete Block absolutely will not raise your taxes. Or impose new regulations, or remove them. Block is committed to limited government. In fact Block will not be hiring or nominating any staff whatsoever.
Concrete Block knows complex infrastructure inside and out, but won’t waste any of your tax dollars attempting to build any. Concrete Block is pro-construction, however, and believes in a ‘YIMBY’ regulatory agenda that will allow for new housing for all if people want to build that stuff for themselves.
Concrete Block believes strongly in the importance of federalism and local governance — run by the people, for the people — and pledges not to issue a single executive order while in office. Block is committed to protecting the sanctity of American Democracy.
At a time when the temperature of politics is far too high, Concrete Block is uniquely capable of remaining calm and taciturn. Block neither cackles disconcertingly nor stammers incoherently.
Concrete Block will have heft on the international stage, because Block has gravitas. Concrete Block will not start even a single foreign war, but will be utterly unyielding in negotiations with America’s adversaries.
Concrete Block will not push a culture war agenda. Block does not even have pronouns.
Only somewhat stiff, Block is young, spritely, and mentally supple compared to America’s other political candidates. Block is steady, and will not awkwardly trip down or up any stairs.
So, this election, choose the proven strength of Concrete Block!
Then help spread the word:
“Concrete Block for 2024: At Least Nothing Will Get Any Worse”
Sorry, I just couldn’t help it… — NS
No not really DHS, this is satire and not election misinformation.
Count me in for the Block party!
But I can already see the attack ads: "Concrete Block stands at the foundation of our oppressive capitalist system. Concrete Block has been complicit in upholding multiple hegemonic structures."
But if Concrete Block can make like a good politician and be all things to all people—a Block for building, a Block for destroying—then this Block is a lock.
Concrete Block. Now more than ever.